Did you know that .

I was named after the Queen of Spain.

Or so my mum says.

My mum said my paternal grandma (a pure Spanish lady) wanted me to have that name.

And so.

I was named after . .

This lady.

Who now looks like this lady.

I approve of le panda on ze lap .

So okay. I don't mind being named after her.

I need to control myself he says . . . .

All this years of ..trying

Of being a good girl . .

I need to control myself he tells me . ..

I've literally bled ... for this family ...

But I need to control myeslf he says . .

She pulls my hair.. And kicks the chair at my face..

But I need to control myself he says. . .

She takes a brick . . Leaves a lump on my nose . .

But I need to control myself he says ....

She grabbed my arms . . Digged her nails deep . .  And left an infection

But I need to control myself he says . . . . .. . ..

I'll be inanimate

I'll be silent

I'm sorry I was a problem.

Asleep

There wont be a need to control myself..

If I left
And I can't visit from where I've gone...
Scatter me in places
I would liked to have been
Oh how much I love beaches
Beautiful french buildings
But do
Save some, just a handful
In a jar
Because I don't want to be too far from loved ones either.
If it's not too much to ask
I would really like this . . .
With black ink in hand
Write me a book
Of what I was, where I've been
Of the beauty and passions
The struggles and blood
That inspired my life. 

And finally
In a beautiful poetic verse,
How I left

There's so much I want to achieve in life
So much dreams
So much hope

I don't think I have the strengh to wait
Til I'm that far down the road anymore
It doesn't seem to matter to anyone
That I'm of flesh, heart and bones
Of efforts, failures and inspiration

I think I've seen enough
The beauty I try to surround myself with
Never helps in moments like this.
So what if I'm a coward to leave

Who are you to judge
Whether or not I've tried hard enough
I lived by this trial day by day
Walk in my shoes 18 years worth of miles
And tell me if you could've achieved as much as I have
Then you may engrave the words coward in my grave.

I remember those flowers
On sale in that little store
I couldn't resist the purchase
And so the 6 pretty pots are sitting by my window.

Even flowers ..
Don't make me feel good right now
And I know that's not right
But I can't help noticing how . .
the blush, lilac and creme just compliment each other so much.

I stare alot in class
And look away
I'm just visual y'know
I think of the beauty they have
And it's so strong that
I feel it too just by looking
I keep telling myself
How lucky he is.
How lucky they are.

I like pretty things
And try as much to surround myself with them.
I now know that..
It's just my way
Of trying to feel something
As close to what's REALLY pretty in life.

So understand if I take it abit too seriously
When a gem falls out of my bracelet
Or a petal falls off my bloom
If I misplaced a hairclip
Or a stitch is loose on my scarf

They're the only things I can count on
The only beauty I can call my own.

I was born into a world
Of ruby red berries
It always sounds good to the ears

But the secret is
Before I had the chance to taste a raspberry
I was shifted into a field with a bluer tint

And I want out of this blue field so much that
I'd give up my right to red fields altogether.